I lost my Nema today.

My grief has overcome me, so know, that what is below, has not been edited, or checked for errors, it is simply the feelings about the loss I have suffered today.

 

When something bad happens, we tend to think of the things we could have done more of. I could have been there more. I could have helped more. I could have loved more.

I’m not going to do that, I could, but I’m not going to. Instead, I’m going to tell you the story of a dog whose name was Amen backwards. Nema.

When Nema was born as a husky German-shepherd mix, and old enough, she went to the seeing eye school. She was destined to be a guide-dog. She did well and eventually graduated. The only thing Nema lacked during her trained was socialization skills with other dogs. Nema was trained to be human eyes and therefore thought of herself as human. A human that did not like other dogs.

She was placed with a young girl that did not have eyes, and Nema did her very best to help the girl see. Nema was a wonderful seeing eye dog. However, over time the girl began to not need Nema. The owner’s circumstances changed, and she went to live with some of her family. That family had two other dogs, and since Nema was a working dog, she had to live by a different set of rules.

I hesitate to blame the owner for what then began happening to Nema because the school that gave Nema to her did not correctly explain how the dog should be kept in those circumstances. This is where Nema’s life got a bit rough.

Nema’s life became 12 hours in a kennel, one hour out (in the desert heat, one rocks because there was no grass, as a husky mind you), and 12 hours back in. If she wasn’t in the kennel, she was in a small half-bathroom. The back of the door was covered in claw marks where she would scratch to be let out.

This was when I met Nema.

You see, I knew the blind girl. The blind girl was a wonderful person that simply couldn’t understand what Nema needed. She couldn’t see the look in Nema’s eyes. She even said, “no, that’s what the school said, 12 hours.” But to the school's side, I’m sure they meant, they can be left in a kennel up to 12 hours. Because the school assumed that the dog would be working the rest of the day.

The girl didn’t have to go places anymore because of her circumstances, so Nema was just not utilized the way she should have been. But after I saw it, I just couldn’t stand it. So, I began to ask for Nema. I said, “you don’t use her, you don’t need her, why not just give her to me.” And of course, I was told that “Nema is a terrible dog that knocked the trash over, and fought with the other dogs when she was out of her kennel.” All of this was incorrect, of course.

The one thing that Nema did do, was this. The girl was a nanny, and Nema would chew the eyes out of any stuffed animals or toys and bring the girl the eyes. When I saw this in person, I explained to the girl why Nema was doing this. You see, Nema was smart. Nema knew the girl was always losing her prosthetic eyes. Nema was giving her eyes.

Nema would see the girl crawling around on the floor, looking everywhere for the eyes, and when she would find them, she’d be happy. Nema wanted to make her happy.

And Nema never faltered in that. Despite the poor treatment, Nema still loved the blind girl and would be happy when she was given attention.

Luckily, in May of 2015, the girl finally gave in, and Nema came to KY to live with my kids and me.

We took Nema on hikes. We let Nema play in the grass. Nema chased away squirrels and even ate a few. She caught her fair share of rabbits and chipmunks and even birds. Nema was a happy puppy. I remember her first time in the snow. She fell in love immediately. It was all she wanted to do, lay in the snow. It is, after all, what she was made for.

Nema was introduced to wet dog food, something she’d never had before. She was introduced to dog treats of the best quality. Her favorite was duck, just so you know. She loved playing outside. She loved being in the house. She loved to have people come to visit her. The pizza delivery guy was probably one of her favorites because she also loved pizza crust.

If you were feeling down, Nema knew it. She would come lay next to you, and let you give all your pain to her. She would carry it for you. She was always so happy and excited. She loved playing tug-of-war and finding the squeakers inside her toys. She was just a true treasure.

Nema rarely barked. If you’ve heard her bark, you’re lucky. She was just so very well trained, and she really felt as if she were a human. So much so, that if she saw other dogs, her hackles would raise, and she’d try to warn them away because dogs weren’t allowed near her humans. Except for one.

We had some neighbors move in behind our house, and they have a Great Dane, Maximus, and he is the only dog she liked. Though somedays, she merely tolerated him.

Last year Nema developed a small bump on her back leg. We took her straight to the vet. We found out that it was cancer, but this particular type of cancer would get worse if you touched it. It was better left alone until it caused Nema pain.

Nema didn’t even bother it. It was like it didn’t exist to her. And, because we took the advice of the vet, we had another full year of love, and kisses, and fur, all the fur, from Nema.

Well, a few weeks ago, Nema hurt her leg, and it really began to bother her. The area filled with inflammation, and then leaked the fluid out of it. We took her back to the vet and found out it was time to take the mass off. But everything on Nema looked great. She was a young 12 year old husky, and her blood work looked great. So it should work out very well.

The weeks we had to wait for the surgery were difficult. Nema was restless, and couldn’t get comfortable. My carpet was a mess because though we would cover the area with gauze, it would leak and leak. Nema was having a tough time.

We started a Go Fund Me for Nema because we weren’t sure how much the surgery would cost. When we found out that it was only going to be between $1,200 -$1,400 we thought, surely, we’ll be able to do this.

May people donated, and many people shared Nema’s story. We will forever be grateful to each and every one of you. Then a wonderful man sent me a message. He basically said, “you don’t have to use my name, but I’d like to help.” But he also wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a scam. So I gave him the information for the veterinarian’s office, and he went and made a cash donation for Nema of $250.00. Then a friend of his went and dropped off an additional $50.00.

Everything was coming together. Our friends and neighbors were helping us out, and truly, truly, thank you all.

Tuesday, February 25, 2020. Nema’s surgery. We got up at 6:30 am. Nema was very happy to be going on a car ride. She didn’t even care that she had to skip breakfast and treats. We left the house at 7:15am and headed for the vets.

When we got there, Nema was very excited because Nema loves her veterinarian. And Dr. Lazas loves Nema, too. We left her there with a quick “goodbye Nema, we love you, we’ll see you later.” And that was that. We would receive a call between noon and 1pm with an update.

You see, I didn’t sleep at all Monday night, so when I got home, I tried and tried to get some rest because, in a few short hours, I would have a dog that needed my care and attention. In a few short hours, Nema would be home, with a cone around her head, and she’d be a little pissed about it, but we’d make the best of it.

At noon I got up, and by 1:00, I was quite nervous. At 1:30, I got sick to my stomach, but so did both my kids. I thought, well maybe we should eat. I made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, another favorite of Nema’s, and then I started cleaning the carpet. I wanted everything nice and clean for Nema when she got home.

At 2:38 pm, I got a call. “Hey Carmen, it’s doctor Lazas.” And her breath caught, and she composed herself, and I knew something was wrong. “I don’t have good news. Nema has passed.” I began crying right away. Dr. Lazas finished, “Nema, did great during the surgery, it went well, we removed the cancer,” pause, “but then, as she was coming off the anesthesia, something happened, and, she went into cardiac arrest. We worked for an hour trying to bring her back…” she said a lot of other words, but I honestly can’t remember them. Then she said, “Call me back, I know this needs to sink in. I’m so, so, sorry.”

My daughter and I were crying, and my son was numb. We didn’t know what to do. My dad came over and picked us up, I had to see my dog. I needed to see her. When we got to the vet's office, they had her laid out on a blanket in a room for us. A box of tissues close by. When I saw her, I went straight to the floor to give her love and tell her I was sorry.

There wasn’t a better dog for our family. She was a member of our family. She loved everyone she met, and there she was, and yet she wasn’t. While we were grieving our Nema, the doctor was in another room with another owner and his dog. That dog, too, had the same cancer Nema had. The owner had chosen to have that cancer removed a month ago, and the poor dog, the cancer grew quickly, and he had to be put down.

Today was a tough day for dogs, but a good day for squirrels. Nema would think that was funny, I just know it.

The doctor explained to us again what happened to Nema, and I asked to see the cancer she removed. It was a beast for sure, and I’m glad Nema kicked its butt for a whole year before she just couldn’t any more.

The vet told us that she would not charge us for the surgery. She loved Nema too much to do that. The funds that they had from the Go Fund Me will go toward Nema’s cremation. All other monies were returned. I genuinely love our vet, could not ask for a better one.

My kids keep asking me, “what are we going to do now?” I replied, “grief isn’t something that can be taught, it can only be experienced. Let yourself feel it, and remember that she loved you as much as you love her.”

I could say that I wish I had done more for my dog. More walks, more trips in the car, more treats, but my dog was a happy dog. She was playful and silly. She was loving and cared beyond measure for the humans in her life. My Nema used her abilities to help others, always. She spent her entire life helping humans. I will miss her more than any of these words can say, but words are what I do. So…

Nema, I love you so much. I can’t begin to think about what life is going to be without you here. I’m going to miss hearing your collar clink around when you walk into a room. I’m going to miss you biting the side of my bed to get my attention when you needed to potty in the middle of the night. I’m going to miss the way you begged for food by not even looking at us, always the respectful puppers. I’m going to miss your kisses and giving you pets. I will keep your spot for you, so if you get tired in doggy heaven and want to visit, your place will be here for you.